Back on the Ground

At one point, I found the peace that comes in silence and mindfulness. It was pure silence, inside and out. It was awe for the beauty in breathing. It was uninterrupted for a moment. There was no noise; no crickets singing, no voices speaking, no cars passing by. I was floating in mid-air just less than a mile above Lake Elsinore and I felt it. I was present in that moment and acutely aware of the grandness of the world and the simplicity of it, when it is allowed to be simple. I saw the big picture for a moment and realized how small is the frame I try to fit it in.

It was one of those moments best described in the film "American Beauty". "Sometimes there is so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart is just going to cave in."

I was skydiving when I felt this. First we went up to 12,500 free above the ground. Then, my partner and I jumped. Then, we sank at 120mph for over 1 mile during free-fall. I was scared but I knew I was safe. I wasn't scared that I'd die or that the parachute wouldn't open. I was scared that I was actually going through with something that I never thought I would and that might lead to me doing it again. At 5,000 feet, I pulled the cord and the parachute opened. I really thought I wouldn't have the wits to pull the cord but I had control. I think for the first time in months, I had control of something.

Jumping out of a plane was simple compared to making some of the changes I want to make in my life. In all honesty, I might not have been in that plane had someone not pushed me and I might not have jumped out had I not been pushed. I need to be the force on the ground though. There is no push, there is only the shove and there is only me to do it. What a lovely metaphor skydiving would be for my life right now if only I hadn't gone tandem and hadn't been pushed. Still, I did something I never though that I would do and I know I have it in me to do that again, even if it is on a smaller scale. I want to feel that rush of adrenaline and the calm afterwards.

I think I was happy as I floated above the Earth and I think that on Saturday, I was given the gift of perspective that is just now coming into focus.

Prepare to Dive

I'm going to skydive in the morning. It is about 930pm on the date listed on the post and I'm really excited. I think I'm anticipating the best and not the worst for the first time in a long time. Of course, when you're going to jump out of a plane, that is probably the best is all you should consider.

I'll have more to say later but I just wanted to put it out there that I'm ready to do this. I need to do something. All I've done so far is wait for something to do to me.